the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
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So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
it glows. i had to have it.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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