woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
