I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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