Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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