Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
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The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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