my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
