I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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