highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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