I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
