those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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