I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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