Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
