Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
