maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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