Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
