What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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