my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
