I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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