I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
