The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
