I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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