there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
