What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
