this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I believe in your delicious
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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