We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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