I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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