After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
