Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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