Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
