burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
