Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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