I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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