how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
