this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
