Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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