If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
