If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
