Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
