my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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