It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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