just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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