Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You're like the curious george of whores
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
