I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I yelled at your uterus for you.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
