I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
