Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
