ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
