she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
