The best revenge is premature balding
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
