I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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