I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
