I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
