Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
