So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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