Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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