that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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