Yo dont text me then not text me
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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