Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
as a side note pls kill me
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