just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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