I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
