woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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