Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
