idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
