YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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